A cry for help

It's this time of night that I start wigging out. For some of you who don't know, there was an awful accident last Friday that sent Will, Nick, and Josh flying out of a grocery cart head first. You know, you're careful most of the time and then for some reason something happens so fast and then you cannot stop it. My heart is still breaking. The five of us went to Marsh last Friday and we parked in the "Moms with Toddler" Parking close to the front door. We had to go to the bank inside and I decided while I was there to fill in a prescription and get a few items. Anyway, as we were walking in, I saw this big patch of ice almost spreading the width of the ramp from the parking lot to the store. The kids would have walked over it, but I (being the conscientious Mom) advised all that we would walk around it. After going to the bank and thanking the bank employees for telling me I have beautiful and sweet children, we proceeded to fill a Miralax prescription for the kids. The pharmacist and his assistant could not have been nicer. The whole time I was there I was receiving compliments and smiles from passersby and when the kids started leaning out of the cart, I was right there to say "uh huh" and "hold on" or I'd stop until the boys sat down. (Dana had been walking and/or sitting in the seat part of the cart) At the end of our trip, I put coats back on the kids (but did not bundle them up because the car was so close to the door). I had some guy take my groceries in another cart. On the way out, I stopped and looked at the van and said "Here we go, ready?" and before I knew it, the cart stopped seconds later and the boys crashed to their skulls. It happened so fast...almost as if I blacked out or something because it wasn't like I even saw feet flying in mid-air. God, I was so scared...I've never been that scared before. As quickly as I could when I realize what had happened, I ran to the front of the cart and scooped the boys all up and took them back up to the sidewalk. Why couldn't I have remembered the ice on the way out?? Will, Nick, and Josh were in shock and crying...I shouldn't have moved them but I freaked. Bloody mouths, luckily no blood in the street (that I recall atleast). Kids were screaming left and right and all I could do was to hug them and love on them and tell them that Mommy was sooo sorry! The look on Dana's face was terrified because she was watching Mommy hug the crying boys and sobbing herself. I'm sure that people passing by or in their cars thought I was the lousiest Mom in the whole wide world. I have no idea what the man carrying my groceries out to the car thought. I don't even know if he saw the ice. He tried to hold Nick, but Nick didn't want any part of that. After a long while, even though the boys were still screaming, I loaded Josh up in the second cart and made Will and Nick sit down in the larger part of my cart and we headed to the car. While the man loaded the back of the van with groceries, I tried to put the kids in the carseats to take them home. I cried my heart out while I was tightening their seatbelts. While kids were still crying, I called my SIL and told her to drop whatever she was doing and to meet me at the house...that I needed her help that I might need her to stay with Dana while I took the 3 boys to the hospital. After making the call, I lost it again. Found SOME composure. Called Jeff who was working at The Home Show. Lost it again. Found enough composure to start the car home. Although Nick was still crying, he worried me most because I knew that he was trying to fall asleep but I kept telling him to WAKE UP. WAKE UP NICK! STAY WITH ME, NICK! Soon after we got home, Aunt LuLu showed up and that's when Will and Josh started acting normal again. Nick was still dazed and I called our neighbor over to get his quick take on whether or not to take Nick to the hospital. You see, Nick was walking and talking okay, but his arms and hands were shaking pretty bad...which is not normal for Nick, even when he's worked up. So I figured, Craig, who used to be an ER Nurse at Riley's Children Hospital, could give me a quick determination. Thankgoodness for great sister-in-laws and good neighbors. Craig said to keep a close eye on all, but even closer on Nick. His eyes were equal and reactive to light and Nick was able to grab Craig's fingers with equal amounts of pressure. Aunt Lulu helped me feed the kids and put them to bed hours later. The doctor's office recommended waking all of the kids up 2 hours after they went to bed and every 4 hours after that. Jeff came home and I lost it again. Even though he says its not my fault and that I'm not to blame myself, I do. I have this HUGE guilt that lays over me like a blanket. Every moment that the kids are napping or at night when they are sleeping, that huge blanket is there and its smothering me. Its only gone, when I feel the love and laughter the kids' joy brings me during the day in their waking moments. I don't think Jeff understands the whole grasp of what I'm going through. He tells me not to worry and that they are okay and that I cannot worry about what the future holds for them and whether or not they are going to have seizures or some other kind of brain damage from the fall. I cannot say who has the worst injury...Nick has evidence on the side and top of his head. Will...I'm not sure...his soft spot still hasn't completely closed. I worry about that. I've tried to feel around for bumps on Josh and Will's heads but I don't think I feel any. I see bruises galore on some of their knees (I guess Will and Nick's knees hit the inside front of the cart before they went headfirst down. Like I said before, I don't know...it all happened so fast. Did they hit the bottom of the cart before hitting the ground? (I wonder). I do know that while I've never been afraid to take the kids out that I'm definitely afraid to do so anymore. One of the hardest parts this weekend has been putting the kids to bed and wondering if my sweet boys will ever wake up again. I play the "What if" game alot. I couldn't sleep this morning so I went to Walmart to do my shopping and while I was walking through the store, I was sobbing. Sobbing...that is so unlike me...I like to think of myself as this determined thing that always has a "can do" attitude but right now, I feel incredibly small and wondering if I'm always going to feel like this. Jeff's trying to be supportive, but I know he's tired of me crying after the kids go to sleep. I've told him that I'm trying to work through it but that its going to take me some time. I've prayed and prayed and I'm still praying for my babies..its just hard and I feel like crap. Why can't Jeff understand why I'm having a hard time getting over this? I love Jeff, you all know I do. I hope you don't think I'm bashing him...because I'm not trying to. I think men just bounce back faster and I wish I could work through this as fast as he'd like me to.